tatterdemalion

The American Gothic Gravel Invitational™
Sunday, 21 October 2012, 12:00 pm – High Noon
A good-ol-timey, FREE-OF-CHARGE 60-mile bike race across the gravel roads of Linn County, Iowa. Yes, IOWA!

Everyone gets: A mouthful of dust, satisfaction, a nice view, camaraderie, the attached cue-sheet keepsake (makes a great re-gift just in time for the holidays), and grub at Zoey’s at 6 pm post-race (bring a few bucks if you're hungry and interested: http://zoeyspizza.com/ ). While I can’t guarantee romance, a flat tire or saddle-induced hemorrhoids, if the fates are with ya, you may leave with a story to tell (who said you can’t use ‘romance’ and ‘hemorrhoids’ in the same sentence?).

One person gets: The grand prize, IF:

1 He/she is indeed first,
2 He/she signs in when done with his/her finish time,
3 He/she also includes his/her email address and the phrase “I’m #1, you pathetic losers”.

This year’s grand prize includes the now-traditional 12-pack of Hamm’s (from the land of sky-blue waters), plus a Twin Six short-sleeve jersey of your choice (check ‘em out at TwinSix.com).

Rules: Sign the notebook before the start (just like last year). We roll out as a group at noon (just like last year). Once we hit gravel on the other side of Highway 13, the race is on. (You turds that jumped the gun in 2011 have each been given four demerits to be doled out when you least expect it.) Follow the cue sheets until you hit the finish. Once there, sign the notebook with your name and finish time (using the cheap Timex next to the notebook). No aid stations. No outside help. Don’t cheat. Ride safe. When you cross the highway(s), look and then look again. The roads are open and the farmers are working harder than you, yeah YOU. Stay outta their way. And don't, don't, don't litter.

Cue sheets: Attached. These are the only directions you’ll receive. No one is bringing extras… NO ONE. Print ‘em. Bring ‘em. Lose ‘em and you'd better find someone to ride with. If you bring a buddy, make a copy for him/her or make sure your pal doesn’t get lost.

Start/Finish: Indian Creek Elementary School parking lot (by the OLD football field), 2900 Indian Creek Road, Marion, IA.

Fine print: You’re receiving this because you’re one of a select group (okay, not select…just a friend of a friend of a friend…chances are, I don’t know you and we’ll never meet again). If you want to bring along a kindred spirit, great. In fact, I encourage it. If he/she is a jerk, you and only you will be held accountable in the court of public opinion, in which case I fear for you and your jerk friend.

Finer print: In the event of a tie, the 100-yd Grant Wood Dash of Death will be held at the adjacent track.

Finest print: YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN. There is no sag wagon (though I will again ride ceremonial DFL to chat it up with the slow-pokes). If you get a flat, fix it. If you break down, work some magic or start walking. No one is coming to save you (unless you have a very forgiving spouse, child, parent or domestic partner). You got into it, you get out of it. Offer a helping hand if someone needs it.

For more information: There is no more information. It’s all written above.

See you soon,